dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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