my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
