Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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