I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
