When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
