im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
