so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
