im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
