@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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