I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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