In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
where am i from again
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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