Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I looked at my own cervix.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
