Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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