Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
