Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
should my penis look like a turkey
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
