My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize