Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
