I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?