I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."