I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
