proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize