I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
