i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
