Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
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I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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