I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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