I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
