That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
