the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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