Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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