I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
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Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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