This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
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btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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