I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
