Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
