I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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