I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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