I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
