WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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