What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
PANTIES FOUND
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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