What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
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Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
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I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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