I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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