Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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