I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
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We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
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When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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