I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
