I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
