Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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