do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
