Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
