Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
