I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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