how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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