Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
