I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
