If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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