Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
