Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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